A friend of mine had “Under Construction: the person, not the profile” as her social media bio for years. I always liked it, it always felt relatable, so I’m nicking it. If you’re reading this, thanks, Z.
I’ve been in a super weird, but not wholly unpleasant, headspace for a while. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older. Maybe it’s because I’m finally in a geographical place where I feel comfortable and safe. Maybe it’s all this “eclipse energy” I keep hearing about on Threads (I’m not an astrology person, I don’t know what’s going on).
I’m just… over it.
I’m over holding onto shit that just drags me down.
I’m over feeling stuck.
I’m over the idea that I have to be a certain way or do (or have done) a certain thing in order to… start.
I’m over all of it.
Now, I said I’m not an astrology person, but I am a “phases of the moon” person, and today is a full moon. Full moons have BIG RELEASE ENERGY. And boy-oh-boy, am I releasing some shit today. I have a whole list of vibes I’m flushing down the crapper. I even cleaned my bathroom just for the occasion.
I pulled a card from the Occult Strategies oracle deck (a delightfully vague little deck, good for whatever you might want to use it for) looking for some full moon advice. The card I pulled read:
ABOVE ALL ELSE, SUMMON THYSELF.
That’s certainly the goal.
Years and years ago, I lost myself in a heinous depression and anxiety spiral. Over the years, I’ve watched myself recluse more, do less, shrink to the point of nearly disappearing. I put myself into solitary confinement “for my own safety” and threw away the key.
In the last 3-4 years, I’ve done a few things to reach back out to me–to the self I missed so much: a course here, a journal prompt there, dipping my toes into the water of self-rediscovery. And they helped! I always felt much better while in the process, and I held onto a bit of that “better” when I moved on from those endeavors. When I went back to my cell, I kept a small piece of that feeling clutched so tight in my hands it got all crushed up and oozed out my fingers until I just had a smear of a better memory across my palms.
The fact was, I’d grown complacent in my isolation chamber. Doing those sporadic things gave me just enough sunlight that I thought, “Actually, my little box here isn’t so bad.” I filled my cage with pretty things I had no space for and supplies I had no energy to use and I called it “enrichment.” Enrichment is good. Good enrichment inside the lonely box I put myself in.
And my box did keep me safe! Trust, I was extremely grateful for my safety box when I went through several surgeries to remove melanoma from my arm last year. Not having to deal with a thousand questions and comments from a hundred people at events or gatherings or classes felt like a blessing when I watched other friends with cancer deal with piles upon piles of unsolicited advice. Last year, my solitary confinement helped keep me sane, took so much off my plate that I could handle this Big Thing.
But I am not a low-light plant. And I have started to wither.
No amount of therapy, no courses, no writing exercises will help this feeling unless I actually do something with the things I learn.
This is that. That doing. This is me doing the things.
Or something. I lost the plot a little bit. I’m not editing this very much (just correcting grammar and such as I go), this is all stream-of-consciousness, and my ADHD likes to ADH-Do the thing where I get sidetracked. Give me a second. Depression, isolation, full moon, letting go…
Ah! Right.
Going into this waning period, I’m getting rid of shit. Shedding skin, if you will. Making room to let out the unhinged cringey old weirdo I was always meant to be.
I’m not entirely sure what that’s going to look like (but probably a lot like doing hard, mildly uncomfortable things that I know will benefit me, and also a lot of really fun things that will also benefit me), but I hope this reaches other unhinged weirdos who have spent far too long stifling themselves in the name of “safety.” I want them to know they’re not alone.
And I want to know I’m not alone.
But even if I am alone, I’ll get comfortable with that. Eventually.
LemonAidanXO 